


Patronswap: Part 2

by HorizonTheTransient



Series: Patronswap [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Teens being assholes to each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:50:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorizonTheTransient/pseuds/HorizonTheTransient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Act 6 as covered by Patronswap. We pick up where we left off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Patronswap: Part 2

tipsyGnostalgic[TG] started pestering gutsyGumshoe[GG]!   
TG: janey   
TG: jaaaaaaneeeeeey   
GG: Rooooxyyyy.   
TG: :D   
TG: did u read the book yet?   
GG: The b- oh, shit.   
GG: Sorry, I got sidetracked recently. School things, you know?   
TG: laaaaame   
TG: see this is why homeschlong is the best   
TG: *HOMESCHOOLING   
TG: jesus christ   
GG: Roxy, are things alright between you and your dad?   
TG: yeah man its all cool   
TG: i swear thats not a freuidian slip   
TG: *freudian   
GG: If you insist...   
GG: How is it that your dad manages both a career as a prolific writer and homeschooling you?   
TG: hes just that good   
TG: also   
TG: these days i ghostwrite a lot of stuff for him   
GG: Oh, cool. Wait, is that why you wanted me to read this book in particular?   
TG: nah, its just good. the stuff ive ghosted wont go up for a while   
TG: its got detectives an everythngg!   
TG: *everything   
TG: fucking keyboard   
GG: I’m thinking maybe this one was user error, Roxy.   
GG: Tell me, how drunk did you get today?   
TG: hey now   
TG: a glass of wine with breakfast is french trdatiion   
TG: *tradiiton   
TG: *TRADITION   
GG: Your dad has the most english name ever.   
GG: And I say that as a friend of someone named Jake English.   
TG: that name actually means semthin but u n he dont know yet   
TG: *something   
GG: And what, pray tell, does it mean?   
TG: fucked if i know   
GG: Then how do you know?   
TG: because its a word, janey   
TG: words mean things   
GG: It’s a name. Names don’t always mean things. Strider, for example, is a shut in who never leaves the house.   
TG: thats called ironic meaning janey   
TG: besides sometimes the meaning is contextual   
TG: aaaanyway were getting sidetracked   
TG: u should totes read detective harrison   
GG: I understand that when you’ve written as many books as your dad has, you’re hard pressed to come up with new titles, but surely he could’ve come up with a better one?   
TG: hes written more than you think   
TG: also, semiautomagic was taken   
GG: Right, that was what the first Dresden Files book was originally called, almost forgot.   
GG: Well, hey, I’m stuck on a math problem, so do you think you could help with that?   
TG: oh ye, i can do that   
TG: watch me work my mathemagic   
GG: Nerd.   
TG: well   
TG: yeah   
TG: the fuck were you expecting   
GG: Fair point. Alright, how in the shitting hell do I solve this:   
GG: 12x+17=4x+19   
TG: okay first off x=.25   
TG: second theres a theorem for that   
TG: given Ax+C=Bx+D, A>B, then x=(C-D)/(A-B)   
TG: i have no clue what that theorem is called but w/e   
TG: its math it doesnt need a name to work   
GG: Oh, alright. Thanks, Roxy.   
TG: np, pal   
GG: Alright, next one is... uh... Actually, they’re all like that. Nevermind.   
TG: lemme know when they throw two variables at ya, i got tricks for that too   
TG: by which i mean i was actually taught how to do the math there   
GG: How convenient, that you have a competent teacher.   
GG: Who would’ve thought a novelist was any good at math?   
TG: well apparently back in college he helped mom w/ her math homework so   
GG: Oh.   
TG: what?   
GG: Nothing, I just.   
TG: janey, shes been dead a long time. i dont even remember her   
TG: dad does, but hes fine   
GG: Sorry, I just... I know my dad doesn’t like talking about Mom.   
TG: well when you get my dad started, hes hard to stop   
TG: do u know how many crappy selfies there are in the photo album   
GG: At least ten?   
TG: youre lowballing like a goddamn spherical submarine   
TG: he has literally twelve hundred awful selfies   
GG: Jesus. That’s... wow.   
GG: I just... really? Back before digital photography? That’s impressive, if nothing else.   
TG: they had digital cameras back in the 90s   
GG: Oh, so instead they took twelve hundred pictures in the space of, what, a decade?   
TG: eyup   
GG: Lord have mercy.   
TG: they were apparently that couple. the one thats always madly in love.   
GG: Well, he probably has good relationship advice.   
TG: most of his advice is just “date your best friend” but u dont seem intersted   
TG: *interested   
GG: Eh, sorry. I’m just not that kind of girl.   
TG: damnit   
TG: ur killin me here janey   
GG: I’m sorry, Roxy, but our little friend group defies probability already.   
GG: I mean, what are the odds that a friend group of four contains more than two non-straight people?  
TG: well the common statistic is that one in ten ppl arent straight, so lets just plug that into the stat calculator...   
TG: .0037   
GG: Percent?   
TG: no, out of 1   
GG: Oh.   
TG: yeah nyway dads callin, i gtg   
TG: have fun w/ that math homework!   
GG: I’d sooner eat dogshit ice cream, but sure.   
tipsyGnostalgic[TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe[GG]!

 

* * *

 

“Hey, uh. A thought arises.” Eridan began, drawing the attention of everyone else in the common room. “It took Aradia and Sol to get this thing moving. We don’t have Aradia with us anymore. How, uh... how are we gonna stop this thing?”

A few seconds passed in silence. Then...

“Well, we’re fucked.” Dave said, from his cozy pillow consisting of Karkat’s lap. “Way to go, Prince Hopeful.”

“I had nothing to do with this!” Eridan defended. “This particular mess is Aradia’s fault for leaving!”

“And that’s your fault.” Sollux said flatly.

“How, Sol? Explain to me exactly how it’s  _ my _ fault that Aradia left.” Eridan demanded. “Especially when the last time I was in the same room as her was when she was still a fucking robot!”

“Not to get ashen or anything, but could you two shut the fuck up?” Terezi grumbled. “We’ll think of something.”

“Jade and Kanaya can most likely teleport us off the meteor.” Rose calmly pointed out. “Or they could reduce the inertia of the meteor so Sollux can slow us down on his own.”

“Okay, that’s better.” Eridan sighed. “Thanks, Rose.”

“Eridan expressing gratitude? Quick, someone pinch me, I must be dreaming.” Sollux rolled his eyes, before yelping in pain.

“I can still kick your ass, Mage.” Eridan said flatly, his pointer finger still glowing. “Don’t give me an excuse.”

“I swear to god Eridan if you do that again I’m going to kick your fucking teeth in.” Karkat growled.

“He started it.” Eridan pointed out.

“I don’t fucking care who started it, I’m finishing it!” Karkat yelled.


End file.
